I'm in love with our new intern.

Dr. Jeff is going really well. He said I feel alone and want people to stay, so I do, or really, say, anything I can think of to convince them to.
This is true.

Mel came and hung out, that was nice. She helps me feel better. I don't lie to her. That's nice too.


I'm pissed off I'm paying all this money for a house I haven't lived in one fucking day this month.
And Lauren's cousin just gets to hang out and enjoy the space. He needs to leave.

I'm still sorry.

Pedestals are lonely, I'm glad I'm not on one.

They live in a selfish world. Well, Lauren does. Mel doesn't need that. Amanda can have that if that's what she wants.

I'm glad no one reads my thoughts.
Or my livejournals.

Day 4 of almost no sleep. My mind is too overactive right now to shut down and let me rest. My computer screen blurs and my eyes ache.
I still want no sympathy.
I just want this to be over.
I just want this to stop.

I want Mel to be okay, because she is such a great person, such a good-hearted lady, such a trooper. I don't want her to hurt anymore, I don't want her to be tossed around anymore, and I don't want her to hold any of this against me.
I want Amanda to be be okay because she is kind and forgiving, understanding and logical. I will miss her more than my words can describe.
They don't deserve this. At all.

I'm scared. I'm scared to go be alone. I know I need, I know I want it, but I'm so fucking petrified that I shake uncontrollably and have had nausea the past week.

From a pipe bomb to Hiroshima.
And now my renters history fucked.

And what was once my best friend is now a self-centered, lonely joke. I hope she's happy now.
Because no one else is.

Not now, not after all of this time. A bite in the ass from ghosts of my past. A bittersweet taste of how horribly situations can be handled by adults who act on childish impulses.
I'm hurt and angry. I'm offended. The lengths this has been taken to are just outrageous. I'm not a victim, but at this point, they sure aren't either. 
I should take all actions by all of you and see it as a sign. Whether it be weak, cold, ruthless, immature...don't pull any crying, sympathy acts on me now. I've haven't done them yet, and because you, yes you, landed us here, I don't want to hear or see them.

I am sorry for what I did. I don't do or say anything to hurt anyone. I only end up hurting myself.
Yes, I have a problem. Yes, I'm young, just like all my other friends, and I do fuck up from time to time. I obviously have no desire to live like this anymore, and that's good. It's the first time in forever I can safely say that part of me is dead, and has been for a little while.
What I said is along the lines of what "others" I know b.s. about all the time. Do they get front page criticized like I am? No.
I do not deserve to have my business spread around like the telephone game. No one is getting a full story, just bits and pieces of anger-driven details.

Well, fuck all of you. Maybe not all, but a vast majority of you. I've sat in a pool of shit talking and stirring for months now, and always had everyone's best interest in mind. Always understood the full picture and never took my opinion where it didn't need to go. Everyone needs an opinion on everything though.
Grow up. Everyone. I'm so fucking angry right now. And the continued disregard for these matters by someone who I previously had overwhelming amounts of respect for opens my eyes to the fact maybe my friendship really never was of substance and at least I can see your true colors now.

I will take myself and leave now. It's been so hard to hang on the past few days, I can't see straight anymore. I'm alone and continue to be fucked over by people whom I had the utmost faith in would never even attempt actions like these.

Thanks for the memories. Go fuck yourself.

I wonder if I annoy people the way they annoy me....

I feel like I might just not be a lot of fun.

I also feel unappealing, like I don't have a lot to actually offer someone.

Lately, I feel so alone in my head. My head gets the best of me sometimes.



Do I suck, someone answer me this???? I can take brutal honesty

So, on a Friday night, Madeline and I are laying in bed (because we do things like have sleepovers) waiting to go to fall asleep ready for our grand adventures to the gay bay tomorrow.
And since I've never really used this interface for anything other than to be a douche bag last year, I'm going to start off my returning to the "blogging" world with Maddie and I's closing thoughts for the evening.

I would like to listen to some Pete Yorn right now, possibly even with a baby ruth or a hot dog
We are stoned.
Tonights use of the word nappy left me in hysterics, and my brother is a nappy son of a bitch
The things we say are epic, and we should have a blog...wait, this is a blog. Hm.
People care about Madeline's thoughts...but it seems doubtful they would give two shits about mine. And that's hilarious.
Red lobster is an experience no family should have to go through sober...so therefore, we didn't
All I want is to hear Lauren, yes no one but Lauren say, "OH MY GOD" because honestly, no one says it like she does.
Her secret?.....She shit in her purse
Her tits are great, but her eyes are def her best feature

My mom has a dog named Goose. He looks like an asshole (insert Madeline's best laugh ever). His head is about the size of a sand dollar, while his body is a a fat tube of penis sausage. Basically, he looks like he'd make a really good breakfast. His legs are about 4 inches high, just enough for his fat ass body to drag on the floor every time he walks. He is emotionally unstable, and he shakes and whimpers uncontrollably. He has assorted patches of wire like hair and then patches of almost bare skin. He's nothing but a Chris Angel Mind Fuck.
I have no idea why I told you about Goose...moving on!

I'm tired and ready for bed.
More to come shortly......